"Ooooo! Grumpy Man! That's a properly grown up big boys title for what *you* told us is a fun blog with nonsense and silliness. What on earth are you going on about?"
Innit tho bruv? Obviously there's some background to this and some context to colour in too. So it's like this, I went to school at a time just after the world was in black and white and just before hi-def. A time when you weren't beaten with a bamboo cane for not being able to recite the entirety of Milton's "Paradise Lost" in Latin but also before the days of participation awards just for turning up and not setting fire to your classmates sick kreps.
At school Grumpy Man Child had a mandate to learn maths and counting. Adding them up, taking them away, dividing and multiplying. All without a piece of paper or pen in sight. Let alone anything as fancy as a calculator. Because, as was my maths teachers recurring mantra, I wouldn't be carrying a calculator around with me everywhere I went as an adult would I? Nope. Absolutely not.
Additionally it was a prerequisite of every school kid to learn the times tables up to the difficult twelves. The proper numero-geeks would do the thirteens too. You'd see them at break times holding court on the playground offering all comers to throw down a challenge and without even pausing for breath, announce the answer to 7 x 13. Weirdly I still find that impressive even today. (cocky smart arse - and slightly magical - behaviour though it is)
My school days coincided with the advent of the first of the more accessible home computers. We had a computer room at my school with half a dozen BBC Micros, a couple of Acorn Electrons and, a couple of years later, one of those brand new rubber keyboard ZX Spectrums. Just one of those mind you as it was the "fun machine" that, if you were able to complete your BASIC twenty line code command you'd get to load up Frogger. (although the tape would invariably crash half way through and the fifty minute lesson wasn't even long enough to load it again)
Where I grew up it was really only the very richest, and very poshest of the kids who had one of these at home as they were still a significant investment in terms of percentage of incomes but we definitely all had a friend who had one. The nerdy kid who had previously been the butt of many jokes and pranks now held the power - you absolutely did not want to be the odd one out, the one not invited round to have the first look at Jet Set Willy. Just to look mind you. Only Mine Host was actually allowed to play the game, the rest of us crowded round and stood in awe as he jumped and jetted around the various screens.
"Yes, yes, Grumpy Man, all very interesting but what has that got to do with your pompous blog title?" Fair point. OK so what I was starting with was the positioning of my educational background where we was all taught proper like. Language. Numeracy. All done in a very prescriptive formulaic manner to ensure we all came out of our school years with a similar baseline of understanding and competency. A level of education for us to take into the world and continue the usage of. What my school days didn't - and in no way could have - anticipated was the seismic culture shift from being taught at, to being actually involved in the learning journey.
Today's classroom isn't the "sit down, shut up, copy these reams of text off the screechy, scratchy blackboard" of my schooldays, it's the interactive collaborative discovery of information. Yes there is of course an amount of information that needs to be presented and absorbed but the way to the "end goal" is very different. Much to the chagrin of my maths teacher, every single kid in every single class is walking around with a calculator in their pocket so times tables are something now of myth and legend.
Can you imagine the impact of the triskaideka-geek in todays play ground? Mate - he'd be simply drowning in admirers. "Ooooh.... do the thirteen thing again. Yes. that's the one I like. Ooooh give me the numbers.... Oh yes, right there with the seven time equals... Ooooh - you are so good.... My last boyfriend couldn't even do four fives"
School kids today carry access to every single piece of information in the world, ever, in their pockets. Just ask Siri. She'll tell you. Although she will likely present you with a picture of a cat, with a watermelon on its head, stuck in a bucket first. "Haha. Look! A cat! wearing a watermelon! Stuck in a bucket! OMG Sir, Who cares what date WWII started. Look! It's a cat! In a bucket! With a watermelon on its head!"
Social media and texting has fundamentally changed the way language is used. Not just how the world communicates but the meaning of many words and phrases and as a Grumpy Man some of these are simply unfathomable. I reckon I'm fairly "down with the kids" but even my use of that phrase blatantly signals that I'm not. I'm simply not cool. Or dope. Or Gucci. Or sick. (although I was sick last week - I blame the health food/kebab and seven pints of beer) See? sick isn't sick. Although I was sick at being sick. You feel me?
I mourn the loss of certain phrases though. Let me give you an example. It used to be perfectly reasonable to make a request on behalf of a mate. You could enquire about any manner of subjects for a close confidante without any fear of ridicule, innuendo or abuse. But can I do that today? Oh no. It's completely taken away from me now. Today any statement that includes the words "asking for a friend" is automatically assumed it's for me. It's my question about me. My request for myself. So if my friend genuinely does need to know where the nearest all night chemist is to get some cooling ointment for an irritating rash "down there" he can bloody well go and ask for himself. I ain't putting that out there. Not a chance pal. Scratch yourself red raw buddy - you're on your own.
Now you've got me started on this whole misuse of the language kick, here's another thing that seems to have been invented in recent years that has really started to boil my piss. And thats the smashing together of a random word and month of the year.
I didn't mind "Movember" too much as it was all about spending the eleventh month of the year growing the fuzzy face pathetic moustache for charity. I've done that a few times and always ended up looking like a cross between a 1980s "fancy dress" comedy lumberjack and the arrest mug shot of an actual convicted serial killer. I got a bit irritated with "Decembeard" as it was simply a bit of a rubbish "me too" follow on but, fair enough, keep raising the charidee dollar dollar you wonderfully hirsute gentlemen.
Now we have "Veganuary" Seriously people? Where the actual fuck did that come from? Absolutely you have the right to choose what you do - or don't - eat but trying to commandeer a whole month and forcing this into everyones front rooms via radio and TV adverts? "Oooohh... look at me! I'm jumping on a band waggon! I have no real moral or ethical reasons for this but I'm going to spend loads more money on much less tasty versions of the things I eat every single day!" Be vegan if you want but do it for some actual reasons you've thought about and pondered over, and researched. (and by the way, reading someone else's facebook post and watching a youtube clip isn't what I would consider actual research)
I'm wondering if this is actually all Richard Osman's fault. I do enjoy "House of Games" and the final round of adding a picture and an answer creating a whole new weird word is a bit of fun. For example, a picture of the ex-footballer and Match of the Day pundit with the question "name the best selling heavy metal magazine" - And the answer is, clearly, Gary Linekerrang (made that one up all by myself so if you see it on the show, let me know and those fuckers can pay me handsomely in royalties for theft. Or send me the wheely luggage - which is by far and away the best prize they offer. Fact)
AnswerSmash should have just been a bit of fun and not a whole new genre of linguistics. I wonder, is the worlds most prevalent virus now this constant need to co-join words? Come on now Sheeple -wake up! Don't be a Karen about this! Covidiots.
My ramblings lead us here and to another burning question: I wonder why, out of all the possible names in the history of names ever in the world, Karen became the shorthand for opinionated, ill educated, argumentative, narrow minded, entitled, shouty face.
My friend Karen who is actually a really well rounded, moderate, friendly person is considering using her middle name instead.
Which is fine except that hers is Phukwhit.
(It isn't of course, it's Jane but thats nowhere near as funny)
A close friend of mine recently introduced me to my new most favourite website that proves just how far we have sunk in our need for significance on a daily basis. In the olden days there were a few days weren't there? Variously we had Christmas, Boxing, Patron Saints days (depending on where you lived you know about one of these; except St Patricks Piss-up-and-Party Day which is a Worldwide celebration of course) then there's Pancake, New Years, Birth and Valentines.
But did you know, for example, that February 7th is Send a Card to a Friend Day, May 1st is Batman Day, or that August 4th is Chocolate Chip Cookie Day ? And, most wonderfully for us Grumpy Men is October 15th, International Grouch Day where it is perfectly acceptable - in fact it may even be a legal requirement - to be a miserable fucker. This most special of special days awards you carte blanche to ruin everyone else's day with your moody, moochy, miserableness and there's not a thing they can do to stop you. It's *your* day my friends! Mark it now on your calendars and feel free to have a few "practice runs" before the day itself. I mean, you wouldn't want to get all the way to October 15th and not be in prime Grumpy form would you? Imagine the scenario if you forgot about it and were nice to someone that day by accident? The absolutely shame!
I've had a look and was hoping for something ace for today (January 18th as I scribe) but, somewhat disappointingly, today apparently is Winnie the Pooh day where we are supposed to eat some honey and go on a picnic. Meh - I was hoping for something a little bit more exciting like perhaps Heavy Metal day where we can get smashed on cheap vodka, take copious amounts of drugs and dance around like idiots to loud guitar riffs.
If that isn't actually a day, it damn well should be. In fact I nominate that as today.
Starting right now! Who's in?
Rock On Headbangers
xx
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