Don't eat anything fatty....

....or more specifically, Don't eat anything, Fatty.....

So guess what? It's kinda the New Year, I'm a Grumpy Man of a certain age, carrying a coupla extra pounds around my love handles so of course its time to get on *generic marketplace website* and spend more than is actually necessary on lairy lycra nonsense before embarking on a bit of a health kick.

You gotta have all the gear. It's simply not possible to run/walk/cycle/rollerblade/kitesurf in just normal tee shirts and PE shorts, right? You absolutely, fundamentally, essentially and categorically *must have* over priced, under sized, uncomfortable and pig fucking ugly stretchy clothing that hugs you tight in all the wrong places making you look like some kind of drug-induced vision of a fluorescent sausage. I've waffled on about a thing that happened late last year and because as part of that I quit the smokes (and then spent pretty much the whole of December replacing my entire musculature with cured meats and matured dairy products) there's some additional poundage that needs shifting. I'm not a massive obese porker to be fair but certainly not the svelte and sexy silver fox I want to be either so action is being taken.

There is a very real worry going around my head right now that there will be a knock on the door from the Impropriety Police as for some weird unknown reason I actually started the exercise and diet changes on a Wednesday . That is simply not a thing. I mean who does that? Everyone in the developed world knows that diets and new exercise regimes starts on Mondays. Always a Monday. And if at all possible the first Monday of a new month. And if even more possible the actual 1st of the month dated first Monday.

Normal people will tell you that if you miss the Monday there's always the following Monday to get started. Or the Monday after. Or indeed, wait until the next month first Monday. That's always better.

I'm fairly certain there's a scientific reason why Monday diets help you lose more weight, more quickly. Something to do with the alignment of Venus into rising Mercury and the phasing of the crescent moon in Sagittarius. Or something.

Anyway, the lairy lycra arrived and after an actual physical fight to get it on, whilst carefully arranging my bits and pieces so they weren't actually on show as an unpeeled banana and two misshapen satsumas, it was out and about I went. Now my weapon of choice is a bike. I have friends who love to run. Seriously. Freaks the lot of them. Running just hurts. All the way up from the balls of my feet to the top of my head. My ankles simply roll over. My knees creak and crack like a couple of morris dancers clakkety-sticks. My back spasms with every step. My head bobs up and down and side to side like the very cheapest and tackiest of plastic mini dashboard Elvis-es. It is just not fun. At all. It hurts. Every-fucking-where.

I cycle instead. It's great because firstly it's sitting down, which is in itself is an awesome way to exercise but secondly if you pick the right route you can reward yourself with some downhill no hands freewheeling. Like the teenage version of you did on a BMX with no brakes that you and your mate had rescued from a skip and lovingly restored with a few squirts of WD40, some yellow and green electrical tape and a pair of your Dad's best and thickest walking socks over the saddle.

Depending on where you live of course there might be a kick in the bollocks coming your way on the way home if you have to finish the ride with an uphill slog. Top tip: If there is a hill involved, go the opposite way so you go up on the way out and you get the fun bit on the way back in. Oh yeah, and if you can, get a bike rack, whack it on the car, drive to a car park near a mostly flat ten mile loop and park up first. It's not really cheating as you will still do the 10+ miles without having to fuck yourself up on an incline. All exercise is good exercise innit!

Alongside the physical efforts I've also made some changes to my diet too. I've done my research on this in great detail and realised that eating healthily isn't as hard as it seems. Just don't be a greedy fucker. Just because the crumpets come in a pack of six doesn't actually mean you have to eat all six yourself. Similarly with a pack of Jammy Dodgers - apparently it is actually permissible to fold the packet down before you scoff the entire lot and come back to them on an entirely different day. Honestly - I was shocked too! Who knew?! Reading up on food groups and what the body requires it broadly splits into four main areas which are protein, vegetables, carbohydrates and salts/sugars (not sure what the actual scientific term is here but I'm sure some smart arse will let me know) It has been medically - and scientifically - proven that if you consume the first three food groups in roughly equal measure and a small smattering of the fourth then your body will not only get all the nutrients it requires but you will also lose weight. And much trial and error, I have found the absolute perfect meal which ticks all these boxes.

I'm going to share with you the secret recipe and please, please do not go around willy-nilly telling every other bugger about it as once this secret is out, we will never be able to find the ingredients easily again.

Let start with the protein. One of the best sources of this is a red meat. My favourite to use is lean lamb. Ground and reformed to give optimal taste and ease of use. A decent handful, lightly grilled all over for consistency and, as we all know, grilling is much healthier than frying isn't it so we are off to a great start.

Next comes the vegetables. For me you need a blend of flavours and textures so get stuck in with some tomatoes, a decent amount of freshly cut crispy lettuce, some sharp white onions for that acidic flavour and maybe a few pieces of cut cucumber to provide a refreshing counterpoint to the onion.

You now need to add the carbohydrate element and whilst there are many options here, rice, potatoes, pulses, I'm an "old school" kinda guy so bread is my "go to" With deference to the healthier element it isn't a doorstop of thick crusty white bread slavered in butter, but a more refined option of an oven baked round flatbread.

Finally the sugar/salt component and for this I choose a veg base spicy jus, reduced down to a slightly thicker consistency.

Assembling the meal is a simple task of using the flatbread as a kinda pocket, then layering in the various vegetable, adding a generous portion of the grilled lamb meat and finally garnishing with a couple of tablespoons of the sauce.

And there you have it - scientifically one of the healthiest meals you can choose. #FACT

No wonder it tastes so fucking amazing off of the dodgy converted transit van parked outside the nightclub at 4am.

Happy eating folks and stay healthy!

(PS - in case you didn't get the "joke" it's a kebab. I made a big, fat, full of deliciousness donner kebab and if you were ahead of me from the first bit of describing the food groups, well fucking done, smart arse. I bet you were that annoying twatwanker who would jump in with the punchline to someone else's joke before they'd finished telling it)